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The Orgasm Gap is Real

Everyone else is getting off more than hetero women. Why?

Gals, how are your orgasms? Maybe the better question is, are you having any?

A matter of control

Granted, some of it’s out of our control. If our partner doesn’t have the stamina to give us a good half hour or so, we gals lose out. And a satisfying relationship takes more than one person.

Asking for what we want

So, why don’t we (I’m a hetero woman, thus the “we”) speak up? Is it our fault?

The evidence is overwhelming that this a problem for which our entire society is to blame — that it is a socially constructed problem rather than something innate to females or just a blind spot women don’t recognize. As a society, we teach women that it is not appropriate or “feminine” for them to focus on what they want, assert their own ambitions, and pursue their self-interest — and we don’t like it when they do. From the time they’re very young, girls are taught to focus on the needs of others rather than on their own. The messages girls receive — from their parents and teachers, from the books they’re given, from the movies and television shows they watch, and from the behavior of the adults around them — can be so powerful that as women they may not even understand that their reluctance to ask for what they want is a learned behavior, and one that can be unlearned. They often don’t realize that they can ask for something they want, that asking is even possible.

You mean we can ask for what we want?

Turn ons and turn offs

First, we need to know what turns us on. This involves some curiosity and exploration. There’s no downside to this. Learning to speak up for what we want? That takes practice but it’s so doable once you know how to start.

Written by

Award-winning journalist, coauthor of “The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels,” mom, changing the narrative about older women

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