Monogamy is a choice, and it’s a choice that needs to be discussed openly and honestly between two people considering becoming a couple. But because monogamy is a societal norm and an assumption once you become a committed couple, few talk about it or question it — and if they reallywant to choose it “until death.”

You may have decided that hookups and non-monogamy is not OK for you, and that’s great — it’s important for us to know what we want. But hookups and poly lifestyles don’t necessarily mean bad sex or a lack of intimacy or a lack of pleasure. Maybe you just had bad partners (hey, we all have at some point).

But this bothers me: “My generation is the product of numerous divorces, so it makes sense that so many of us decided it was safer to be promised nothing, committed nothing, than to have trust violated and partnership severed or, worse, revealed as illusory from the start.”

Please don’t blame divorce for your generation’s fear of commitment, if your generation actually even has that fear. What you might want to fear is the idea that marriage promises anyone anything; it doesn’t. There are no guarantees in life and certainly not in love. Yes, we make marital vows, and break them all the time. There are many other marital betrayals beside infidelity, such a neglect, indifference, contempt, acting demeaning, withholding sex.

What matters is a person’s intention; does she/he wake up every day and choose the relationship? Does she/he wake up every day and behave in ways that honor the relationship? Marriage will not guarantee you that — that’s the illusionary promise of marriage. A marriage is only as good as the people in it. Finding a good partner makes a committed, trusting union more likely.

And, even if you’re still just hooking up and seeking casual sex because you don’t want anything more, finding a good hookup partner will more likely offer pleasure, good sex and even intimacy.

Written by

Award-winning journalist, coauthor of “The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels,” mom, changing the narrative about older women

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